Wednesday, 6 January 2010


Re-acclimatisation/Re-integration study (Phase 1). Subject removed from home environment (HE) 22/12/09. Subject released into test environment (TE) 23/12/09.

Upon release into TE subject displayed initial signs of physical discomfort, principally in relation to air and surface temperature in TE which were found to be around 30 degrees (Celsius) below those to which the subject had become accustomed in HE. Various other external factors which seemed to trouble the subject upon initial exposure to TE were, as follows:

1) Coinage - subject showed signs of confusion in regard to differentiating various forms of coinage, particularly with respect to £2 pound coins, which subject seemed to consider “big £1 coins”. This was surprising given that only two years have passed since subject’s last visit to HE.

2) Communication – subject showed an inclination to “smile” and “chat” with individuals not personally known to subject that was considered more in keeping with interpersonal relations in HE than in TE. It was observed that subject’s inclination to “smile” and “chat” was occasionally the cause of discomfort amongst individuals resident in TE (TEs).

3) Physical Appearance – subject displayed surprise, even annoyance, with regard to the physical appearance of many TEs. Subject was heard to utter, sotto voce, words such as "ponce" and "bloody Matt and Sophie", particularly with regard to twenty or thirty something male TEs, many of whom were observed to sport expensive looking hairstyles not dissimilar to those used by the pop phenomenon known as “boy bands”.

Following initial release observations subject was observed more closely in various other social or non-social situations common to TE environment, namely (1) Christmas Dinner With The Family (2) Shopping Trip (3) Watching Television (4) Out On The Piss.

1) Christmas Dinner With The Family – Subject was felt to have coped successfully with this social situation. Indeed, in subject's generally high levels of aggression, impatience and frustration towards members of subject’s own family subject was felt to have acclimatised perfectly to life in TE. Subject appeared not to enjoy in any way the company of subject’s family, which is of course very much a TE, rather than HE trait. There is little evidence, therefore, of continuing HE contamination as a result of time spent with family groups in HE. One incident worthy of note – subject appeared to be highly amused by DVD of television series known as “Father Ted”, even going so far as to point at various members of subject’s family and draw comparisons with characters appearing in series (subject’s mother compared to character known as Mrs Doyle, subject’s sister to character known as Father Jack Hackett), and shouting “Craggy Island? You don’t need to watch TV to see Craggy Island, just look out the feckin’ window!”

2) Shopping Trip – Subject showed initial feelings of happiness at range of products on display and comparative low prices (in relation to prices in HE), though upon performing various calculations (it is assumed these calculations related to so-called “currency exchange” between HE and TE) subject appeared considerably less happy and elected not to make any purchases. In street environment subject also, on occasion, displayed behaviour considered entirely normal in HE but not necessarily in keeping with TE social mores – such as intent and prolonged staring at female TEs aged between 15 and 20 years of age. After a brief period of acclimatisation, however, subject appeared to remember such behaviour not considered appropriate in TE. Subject also displayed considerable frustration and anger when “browsing” in retail environments known as “book shops”, particularly when looking at the so-called “best seller list”.

3) Watching Television - Subject displayed feelings of confusion and bewilderment when watching television, particularly with regard to so-called TE “celebrity culture”. On occasion subject was heard to shout “who the feck is he” and “why the feck is she famous”, particularly while watching the television programme known as “Christmas Top Of The Pops”.

4) Out On The Piss – Perhaps the environment where subject appeared most ill at ease. Subject displayed tremendous feelings of frustration and impatience with regard to “queuing at the bar for a drink”, a somewhat antiquated TE custom generally unknown in HE, and also at the practice of each person buying his or her own, very large drink, as opposed to HE practice of dividing one large drink into various small drinks amongst members of a group. Subject appeared appalled by non-smoking regulations in bars and by what subject described as the “feckin barbaric” requirement to stand in street, in sub-zero temperatures, in order to smoke. Subject appeared close to display of violent aggression when informed by security guards post-11pm that subject could no longer take subject’s drink outside to enjoy while smoking, and similarly at midnight when bar staff informed subject that drinks were no longer available for purchase. Further difficulties were observed on subject’s journey home. Here it should be noted that as a result of recent socio-economic influences known as “the peace process”, “massive government investment” and “gentrification”, TE as previously known to subject has undergone considerable change since subject’s last visit. Perhaps as a result of this, subject showed considerable discomfort in relation to the number of “English accents” to be heard in TE, particularly upon overhearing, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a young woman outside a café displaying just such an “English accent” and informing her friends that she had just ordered “four skinny cappuccinos”. As a result subject was heard to shout “stick your cappuccinos up your arse” and “I liked it better when it was a war zone”.

This concludes observations relating to subject’s re-integration into TE (Phase 1). It should be noted that Phase 1 (or “Northern Ireland”) is considered to be phase (or “region”) of TE most assimilated with HE and as such region least likely to cause serious problems in relation to subject’s re-integration process. Report on subject’s re-integration into TE Phase 2 (or “Feckin’ London”), considered likely to provide far greater challenges, to follow.

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